even when it hurts

It's a very rainy Tuesday morning.  VERY.  Lovely, though!  The furnace continues to run.  I know that everyone you talks to hates the rain, but I'm enjoying it. You can't change the weather, so you may as well enjoy it. ;)

A serious matter, this morning. I don't get this personal on the blog often, but this morning, I'm feeling deeply about the matter at hand.  The babes birth father is in town for a funeral.  Their birth grandfather called on Sunday to ask if his son could come and see the babes.  I explained that a few days before, when we'd heard the news of the death in their family, Quayd's first words were, "Is [birthfather] coming for the funeral?"  When I told thim that I wasn't sure if he would or not, he said, firmly, "Mom, I don't want to see him." 

Quayd is thirteen years old.  He is the only one of the three babes who have any memory of their life before living with us. He turned four days before they came here permanently.  Quayd adamantly wants nothing to do with his birth father.  He has some deep-rooted emotions attached to his few memories.  Doug and I feel strongly that we should respect Quayd's feelings and wishes on this whole matter.   If and when he's ready, we'll respect that too.  The girls have no memories of life before our family, and, as with everything in their lives, they, pretty much, follow Quayd's direction on the matter.  I feel sad for the birth father.  But, when discussing it with Quayd last night, he said, "Mom, you tell us all the time, The choices we make today determine our happiness tomorrow.  So, [birthfather] chose.  And he determined his happiness."  (WOW!)

Now.  How do I argue with that?  And really.  Should I?  I don't think so.  The babes are happy and content in their lives.  Every contact (or attempt at contact) brings confusion, fear and hurt to them.  We will not disrupt their lives or allow others to do so.  I'm just so grateful that the babes are happy in their life today. Yet, my heart does go out to the birth father.  I can't even imagine. He's a good guy who made poor choices and now is living with those choices, just as Quayd said. Enough said about that.

Two of the babes are in middle school.  (They really aren't "babes" anymore.  We realize that, but it's our term for distinguishing the two "sets" of children in our family ~ the bigs and the babes.) I don't know anyone who wouldn't agree that middle school is just plain hard!  The worst years of growing up.   Gracie shared an experience from school, in which she had taken a stand for what she believes in.  (The Young Women in the LDS church are constantly encouraged to "Stand for Truth and Righteousness".)  Gracie had done so.  A girl had become very angry with her and called her a few names. Gracie learned/heard the "F" word for the first time in her life.  She said that this girl had called her an idiot and weird and threatened her.   She wasn't afraid, but more adamant that she wasn't going to not make a good choice just because someone was being mean or threatening. It just made her dig her heels in deeper.  It was a proud moment for us all.

Next, we discussed being "weird".  All three of the babes were present.  They all said that they'd rather be weird than "popular" if it meant the difference in making bad choices.  I was proud of them for their thoughts on the matter.  (You had to be there.  It was pretty amazing and mature.)

Every day, I cringe at the things our children have to face in the world and pray that they are strong and remember what they've been taught, even in our very conservative and safe community.  Some call our parenting style "sheltering" the children.  BUT.  With every fiber of my being, I'd rather shelter them and protect them and teach them about making good choices than expose them to things before they need to be.   Our oldest son, who has chosen a different lifestyle and resents a lot of how he was raised, claims that we brainwashed him with our beliefs. I disagree strongly.  It wasn't brainwashing.  It was teaching and encouraging.  Kelly and I had a talk about all of this a few weeks ago.  She agreed that if the worst thing that came of our raising them the way that we did, even taking all religion out of it, was that they were upstanding, responsible, hardworking and happiness-seeking people, it wasn't all that bad.  Enough said about that.

I guess I'm on a soapbox this morning.  I'm feeling for a man [birthfather]who's choices led him to an unexpected place in life today.  I'm protective of three children who I'd give my life for before I'd see them hurt.  I'm proud of the choices that they are making today. I'm also proud of an adult daughter (Liza) who's making amazing choices in life. I'm hopeful for my two oldest children, who still are searching for something, and hopefully will realize that they've had it all along.  This morning, I'm feeling the weight that comes with being a mother and reminded of the joy and pain that comes along with that calling in life.  And I wouldn't change it for the world.  Enough said.

Confidence is preparation.  Everything else is beyond your control. 

Comments

[Debbie]

Sophia...We have an adopted son. He has been with us since he was 2 weeks old, he is now 20. His birth parents live in the city over from us and are still living the way they did that got their 3 boys taken away from them 20 years ago. He has never met them. He also knows about their substance problems. When he turned 18, we told him that if he wanted to meet them, it would not hurt us if he did. We know he loves us and are ok with it. He said, "absolutely not". He told us that they made their choice about their children already and that he never even thought about meeting them. We are the only parents that count.

I was shocked that he felt so strongly. He will be 21 in August and still never talks about his birth parents.

I think you are doing the right thing. Period. It is your God given right to protect and nuture your children. You have raised them with knowing about good choices and the consequences of bad choices. They are doing beautifully!

[JaYne]

well said.

[Connie Bingham]

There is no choice here. The answer is no. In no way do you compromise the progress you have made with your, your, your, your, kids. Birthfather does not exist..... Those kids trust you and you do not want to damage that trust no matter what. Birthfather reaps the consequences, he is out of the picture. You told him before, no, end of discussion. Quayd has made a statement and I do not believe he wants to hear about him ever. If he asks, fine, but I would not even bring it up ever again. Why do your kids ever have to know that he is in town, it only upsets them. The end!!!

[Katie]

I am with you. I want innocent children for as long as possible. I love that Savannah is so loving and kind and doesn't know a lot of the things other kids her age do. They grow up too fast any way. You are amazing. I love you.

[Pamela K.]

What great kids you have, Sophia! You have every right to be proud of them. :-)