Forgive me. Part of the reason I blog, beyond it being my journal, is that it helps me process things and do some "good finding/soul searching". This might be one of those entries that I should just put my thoughts in my hand written journal. But, here goes.
Reality is sinking in. I didn't sleep last night because my brain was in high gear. The enormity of everything is happening has really hit me. This little girl has been through more than we could have imagined. She is a little chatterbox. My girls are learning things that I'd hoped them not to hear or know about for a few more years. I have never hated anyone in my life. But, I must say that my feelings for him are coming close. I absolutely never want to be left alone with Kelly's husband. There are no words. That's all I can say.
As for Kelly, my feelings and emotions are so mixed. She is my daughter, my child. I'm livid that she's not left her husband years ago. All of these things would have never had to happen. She's worked 60-80 hour weeks to support him. She's left this child in his care. She's done things that no parent wants to imagine their daughter doing, just to support him through the years. She has put up with more than any woman should have to endure. My heart goes out to her for the pain she has suffered BUT it was her choice and she stayed. I don't get that. I should stop now.
Because of their choices, this week, I now have calendar full of places to be and people to see and things to learn and experience that I could have lived without. I have a four year old who has been seriously affected by the actions of those who should have been loving and caring for her and who is beginning to realize what has happened to her. three teenagers who are being exposed to things that we have vehemently protected them from for their whole lives, a pregnant daughter who should not have to be stressing over her four year old niece, a husband who can barely speak of the situation because it is so emotional (anger and pain) and myself being exposed to things that I could have lived an eternity without knowing and. I'm. tired. The list goes on. If I hear once from either of them that we are trying to take their child away, well. Let's just say it won't be pretty. Suffice it to say, reality has made it's way into our front door.
We will endure. Forgive me, but I'm just keeping it real. Some moments, it's more real that I really care for. However, I believe with every fiber of my being that we all have lessons to learn here and we will be better on the other side of this chapter. Enough said.
And on a more positive note:
At dinner on Sunday afternoon, Zaylee said, "Hey! Let's go to that one place so we can be a family forever then ZJ and Grace can be my sisters!" It brings tears to our eyes. Then, yesterday, she had her doctor's appointment yesterday. (The new North end of the valley medical center opened yesterday and we were one of their first patients.) A new nurse asked me if I was Grandma, as well as foster parent. Zaylee said, "Yes, she's my Gwammie but we are gonna go to the temple and be sealed and then she will be my mommy and ZJ and Grace will be my sisters." The nurse said, "THAT is the cutest thing I've ever heard." We have not brought any of this up at all. I don't know where she's gotten it, but she's definitely happy to be a part of our family. I'll be talking with the counselor about how to help her transition her thoughts as things progress in other directions. ;)
Yesterday, our neighbor Jared spent most of the morning with his chainsaw, cutting the part of the tree that had fallen. The back yard was all cleaned up and looking spiffy before Doug even came home from work. What a blessing to have such great friends and neighbors. We took a big thank you over to them last night and his wife said, "He loves to use his chainsaw." As we walked away, Doug said, "Yeh, I get that. Chainsaws are "ManToys" and I don't know a man that doesn't love to use them." I had no idea. I guess it's like a really nice flat iron or a Bosch mixer.
Mom's truck is supposed to arrive in Logan today. If it's early enough, they will load it today and be on the road in the morning. If not, then tomorrow morning, they will pick it up, load it up and be on the road as soon as it's done. Our part of helping Mom move is cleaning the home after she leaves. I explained to her that we will do as "threatened" by my brother and stay away completely, just to alleviate her stress. She was actually relieved. How sad. I am happy that she is happy that she's moving. That's all that matters.
Last night, Family Home Evening consisted of a family counsel meeting discussing some of the shoulds and should nots and how to's for helping Zaylee. There are highly emotional moments for her and it's emotional for the kids too. So, it was good to "talk" and let everyone share how they are feeling, what their parts are in all of this. Afterward, we took a long walked (the longest I've been able to walk since knee surgery last July/foot injury last September!), Doug and I held hands, as always. Everyone took turns pulling the wagon with Zaylee in it. I was touched that my fourteen year old, Grace, walked up beside me, took my other hand and held it as we walked down around the neighborhood. Oh my gosh, I love these kids. I just want things to be good for them always.
Life is full of surprises and uncertainties. One thing is for absolute. We feel blessed to be a family, to be here for Zaylee, to know that this is, yet, another growing experience for us all. I've not watched TV/news in over a week. I have not heard a bit of news since the Prince was born. We have enough in our own lives to keep us occupied presently. But, whatever is happening out there in the world, life is good.