oh, I hate it when I bear my weaknesses. But, then there's that commitment to keep it real. Sorry.
This morning, Zaylee woke up asking for banana pancakes, which then turned to a request for banana muffins. She helped me make them and they came out of the oven, just in time for her DCFS caseworker/friend to arrive. She was in pretty high gear this morning! I assured him that the only sugar she'd had all morning was in two of those muffins! I had to laugh... She was talking up a storm, which she does quite well. She was going on about her "pawents" making bad choices and explaining the difference between "bad drugs" and "happy drugs". She stopped herself and said, "Gwammie?! Does Grampie do happy drugs?" I laughed and answered, "No, Zaylee, Grampie doesn't do any drugs. Grampie does his blender drink with veggies and weeds." She got all big-eyed and said, "EEEEEWWWWWW! And it's gween and yucky and it wouldn't make me happy at all!" TOO FUNNY, this child! I also thought it was interesting that she wondered about Grampie and the happy drugs because Grampie is always happy!
Doug's working a lot of overtime again. The kids and I are winging it a lot this past few weeks. The money's great, but it gets old when he's not able to "play" with us, as much. I have a confession to make.
I really and truly do not consider myself a "jealous" type person. Doug's example has taught me to be genuinely happy for other people's success and blessings. However, last weekend, I had a rough couple of hours. I had made plans to go to the movies with Carol in the afternoon. Her son, Matt, surprised her and came home (he's in the Navy!) for the weekend! So, Matt's visit trumped movies with me. OF COURSE, I was happy for Carol! Doug had to work. So, he couldn't go with. Then, I realized that Denise was away for a little getaway with her husband. I ended up going to the movies, just for a break, alone. I never do that!
I was thinking about Denise off, having a little romantic weekend. Doug and I used to do that all the time. My friends would tease, "I want your life" because we played so much before the babes came. Two fulltime incomes, no kids at home, we could afford to! Then, I thought about Carol's vacations this past summer to Chicago for Matt's Navy graduation, to Arizona a few times to visit friends, to Florida to see Matt, to Bear Lake for the week. She had quite the awesome summer! I thought of Natalie, who spent a month with her husband and kids, living in a home on the beach in Hawaii. Stott and Wendy took their family on two vacations this summer! I haven't even been to the ranch since spring! Waaaaaah!!! That's NOT me!!!
Doug came in from work and, immediately, recognized that there was a problem. He asked, "What's the matter, Babe?" And I told him, "I'm just having a little whinefest" and made my comparisons. I assured him that I was genuinely thrilled for them all and that I celebrate their happiness and fun! At least, someone gets to go and play! BUT... I'm sure that Kelly and Kevin are having a fun weekend, partying with their friends. And we are sitting at home taking care of their four year old and he's working all this overtime just to support us." Waaah, waaah, waaah.
Doug could see that I was really doing a number on my mind and he, quite simply stated, "Babe. We've sacrificed our lives for these kids." and BAM!!!! Thank you, Doug! First of all, if anyone had room to whine, it should be the man who'd worked six twelve hour days in a row! I was sitting home and going to a movie alone! BUT, what he said... Reality hit me square in the face. This was our choice. It's what we love. We are so blessed to have these children. And while we may be too old to ever make that cruise to Curacao or Alaska when we can finally afford it again, we do have such a wonderful life. The kids bring us great joy and so much laughter, along with the normal grief and pain of having teens ("She used my hairspray. I wanted to wear that today. Who's been in my room?...)
We really are happy with the choice that we've made to be parents to these three amazing and awesome kids. We're holding our breath for the next few years, praying desparately each day, that they continue to make the good choices and stay on the path that they are on today. It's a good thing. I see friends who can afford to play and go and do fun things to their homes and drive nice big fancy vehicles and and and... but they have no kids at home and they live for the moment that their kids do come home. I go through these emotions rarely, usually on days that things are going my way...going to the movie alone ? ME!?
A few weeks ago, on the weekend of the flooded basement, we missed a dinner out with a few younger couples/friends. Later, we were told that we had been the topic of conversation. "Doug and Sophia are really young for being in their fifties! Their kids are keeping them young." There's a really good thing about it! ;) We do love our life!
As for Zaylee, this is temporary. I have my moments when I worry and wonder if all this will be worth it... meaning, will things fall into place for the benefit of Zaylee? Will this year of sacrifice on all of our parts be what it takes to have Zaylee be protected and loved forever? It just has to be. It's all I can ask!
And so, my pity party came to an abrupt end. We chose this. I feel so blessed that this is our test in life, because it is small in comparison to so many of the challenges of those we love around us. I have an amazing man by my side to experience this with. He's willing to work hard and never ever complains. We have a lovely home, be it ever so humble. I have health and stamina and desire to do it all. We have been blessed with such a remarkable support system of amazing friends and family. We have the gospel, which brings us peace. And these kids. Oh, do we have great kids. I love them so much it hurts! What's not to love!? Whinefest complete.
Life is good. Enough said.
Learn to appreciate what you have
before time makes you appreciate what you had.